Trying to Try again!

So what happened to my plans?


Plan1. The Waiting Plan:
Wait for the bleeding to stop and the HCG to leave my system. Then wait for my next period and start using my Clearblue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) to pinpoint ovulation. = this plan is still ongoing. The bleeding finally stopped 17 days after the ERPC but two days ago red spotting started again, and also there was some red spotting after we had done the deed (Oh yes we finally checked that all is still in working order in that department!).
The HCG is still in my system. This is last Mondays test:

This is today's test:

As you can see the HCG is going down and the line is getting fainter.

Plan 2. Thursday's Plan:
Ring GPs early in the morning and get an appointment. Ask GP if the UTI could have caused problems and get wee retested. Also ask GP to refer me to Prof Q to get the ball rolling for the womb biopsy. Additionally ask if there is any other tests or things that should/could be done. = well it turns out that I didn't actually have a UTI, the results came back from the lab and I'd taken the antibiotics for nothing! I also asked for the referral and the doc said that they have a meeting once a week to discuss referrals and so she would ring me the following week to let me know that it has been done. She didn't, what a surprise! So I rang the docs the next day and she was off and so I made a telephone appointment but when I asked what time that would be they said before 11am. Well 11:26 I am stuck in traffic on a roundabout and my phone goes! The doc didn't leave a message or ring me back! So I am too annoyed to bother following this up at the moment! One funny thing though is that for a couple of weeks I was carrying a pee sample around in my handbags side pocket - I'd taken it to the docs to retest for a UTI but when I found out I didn't originally have one I didn't give the sample to the doc!

Plan 3. Friday's Plan:
Ring the hospital. It will have been 2 weeks since my ERPC. Let them know if the test is still positive and if I am still bleeding. = Well I read the information wrong and apparently I have to ring them 2 weeks after the bleeding has stopped so this coming Friday.


So any new plans? No, not until 2012!

Starting to make plans

I have mixed feelings at the moment. I feel good in one way as I have been swimming twice this week (courtesy of Tampax Lite). I'm also going back to Zumba on Saturday and can't wait. Plus I haven't put too much weight on and so I can soon get that off. But I also feel angry and sad as it was supposed to have been our 10 week scan tomorrow. I'm trying hard not to think about dates and remember what should have been but it is difficult. I would be better if I wasn't still bleeding and if the HCG was out of my system (I did a test and the line was darker than the control line still!)

One development is that I have been in touch with Professor Q about having a womb biopsy to see if I do actually have too many uterine Natural Killer Cells (uNK cells). Unfortunately this is going to cost us £260! But if I do have too many uNK cells, the treatment is Prednisolone, a steroid which has been found to decrease the number. I took the steroid with this pregnancy but there could be other reasons for this miscarriage.

Plan1. The Waiting Plan:
Wait for the bleeding to stop and the HCG to leave my system. Then wait for my next period and start using my Clearblue Fertility Monitor (CBFM) to pinpoint ovulation.

Plan 2. Thursday's Plan:
Ring GPs early in the morning and get an appointment. Ask GP if the UTI could have caused problems and get wee retested. Also ask GP to refer me to Prof Q to get the ball rolling for the womb biopsy. Additionally ask if there is any other tests or things that should/could be done.

Plan 3. Friday's Plan:
Ring the hospital. It will have been 2 weeks since my ERPC. Let them know if the test is still positive and if I am still bleeding.

Little, manageable plans - little steps to moving on.

Waiting to Move On

Today I am bored.com!

I am still bleeding although it is only light and I'm not in any pain. But it's hard to move on with this reminder. I want to go swimming and can't while my body isn't ready. So with Hubby working, friends busy and all my Christmas shopping done, I've been sitting at home bored all weekend. Being bored also means that I have too much time to think.

I think about how happy we were on holiday when we found out I was pregnant. We were amazed and couldn't believe it but so so delighted!

I think about how the first 2 scans were magical and hearing the heartbeat was the best thing in the World for both of us.

I think about when we found out at the third scan - how could we be so unlucky, Hubby thinks we're jinxed!

I think about how I would have had my 10 week scan this week.

I think about what could have been.

Waiting to try again

Today I rang the obstetrician, midwife and scan department to cancel all my appointments. I've been a bit weepy so having to explain why I'm cancelling wasn't great. I was fine until I washed my new bedding on the wrong cycle and it all ran. Then Hubby's work rang and they have had to shift his days around because he's had time off and now we have to cancel our trip to the Christmas Market and lose 1000s of airmiles we used to pay for the hotel! Apparently my capacity bucket is full and at the moment any little thing added to it can make it overflow. It's also making me a bit clingy - poor Hubby! Already the tears are threatening to spill because he'll be away one night this week!

So maybe going back to work tomorrow isn't a good idea. I think I'll be ok as long as no one is nice to me - isn't it always the "are you alright?" question which sets you off when you're not alright! A few mischievous students in the Library should keep me annoyed and in control.

So back to work, get on with life. I've got to do a pregnancy test in 2 weeks and ring the hospital and let them know the result - I'm not sure why, maybe for their records? Once the hormone is out of my system we can start TTC again, well we should really wait to see what the results are in case there is a reason why we shouldn't or if I need more tests or medication. We have emailed the FS to see if he has any advice and also to see if the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic can do anything else for us. We have also bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor to try and work out my fertile times over the next three months.

So I'm waiting for the bleeding to stop, I'm weaning off the steroids and finishing my antibiotics for the UTI. I'm then going to get checked out to make sure that the UTI has gone. Then I'm going to do lots of swimming and lose the few pounds I've put on! Soon I'll hopefully be feeling normal again - well on the surface!

Three Angels

I went to the doctors and it was confirmed that I had a UTI and I was given antibiotics. This tipped me over the impatient edge I was on, so we booked in for another private scan for Thursday 3:30pm when I would be 8 weeks. I went along with a full bladder but as she tried to scan my abdomen the picture was unclear like last time. I asked her if she could see a heartbeat but she said she was struggling to see one, so I went and emptied my bladder so she could do the internal scan.

We could see straight away that there was no heartbeat. She zoomed in but it was no use. She took a measurement and the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks 1 day - three days after we saw a health baby with a heartbeat.

She rang the local hospital and spoke to a nurse there who deals with this type of thing. We were given a report and I asked for the measurement picture she had taken. We paid and left - yes really, it cost us £60 to be told our baby had died!

We went along to the hospital and they asked us what we would like to do (in other words you can wait until you miscarry naturally, they can give you tablets to start the miscarriage or you can have the 'Products of Conception' surgically removed). The last thing I wanted was an op but I knew that I could ask for the remains to be tested to see if we could get any answers as to why this has happened again.

We went in at 9am on Friday 25th November 2011 and I was back home by 8:30pm. The hospital staff were fantastic - so caring and thoughtful.

Physically I was really bad the next day with terrible cramps but now it's just like a bad period and I'm tired. Mentally I don't think it has hit me properly yet. I had a few tears at the scan and on the way to the hospital and I find it hard to control my emotions when people ask how I am but I feel reasonably normal. Saying that I did start crying today because I broke a fridge magnet Hubby had bought me!

Hubby was meant to be going away with work that evening so he rang in sick and he has been a tower of strength and support to me. We will get through this together.

Nausea

On Saturday when I was 7 weeks 2 days nausea really hit. Nothing I eat helps apart from polo mints and sprite. The worst bit can be in the mornings as I wake - I feel terrible! It also makes me really tired and I just want to hibernate. It nearly brought me to tears last night when Hubby, Mum and I went to the pub and I felt so sick while eating gorgeous macaroni cheese that I had been craving - luckily I told myself to get a grip and be positive!

Example of my normal daily menu:
Cup of tea
Smoothie
Shreddies and hot milk

Peanut butter sandwiches on wholemeal bread
Probiotoc yoghurt
Water

Vegtable Quiche
New potatoes
Sprouts
Broccoli
Carrots
Cabbage
Lollyice

Nausea Menu Example:
Cup of tea

Smoothie
Shreddies and hot milk

Chips

Curly Wurly

Orange Juice

Cheese Bagel

Sprite

Galaxy chocolate

Strawberry liquorice laces

Another problem is my digestive system is really sluggish. I read that the pregnancy hormones progesterone and estrogen slow down the system so that food stays inside for longer than usual so that more nutrients can be salvaged. The result is constipation! It's not really bad at the moment but has lead to bloating and a hemorroid! 


So my plan of action is:

• Start swimming again even if I am tired
• Drink more water not Sprite
• Eat more nuts and yoghurts
• Keep applying the pile cream!

Even with feeling bad I'm still so happy, after all this is what I've always wanted and it's all for a good cause. Plus at least I feel really pregnant!

Second Scan (6weeks 6days)

Hubby and I decided to pay for a private scan as 7 weeks is a big mile stone for us to pass and we just wanted to be 100% sure all is as it should be.

The sonographer was very nice and tried to scan me externally but my womb was tilted and we couldn't get a good enough picture - I almost had a panic attack because at first we could see nothing, then the sac came into focus, then something in the sac and then the sonographer said "there's the baby and I can see it's heartbeat," PHEW!

So with an empty bladder and an internal scan we got to see so much more. It was great to see the baby which is still nowhere near looking like a baby. It's chest area was really white on the screen and the heart was beating away really fast! The next bit was AMAZING! The sonographer turned the sound on and we could hear the heatbeat! This made everything so much more real and was a very emotional moment for Hubby and me. All we can think about is that a baby, currently the size of a blueberry, with a heartbeat is growing inside me. We couldn't speak and just listened. I really can't put into words how we felt but it was the best feeling in the World so far in our lives!

I got home and there was a letter for an NHS scan in 3weeks when I'll be 10weeks - 3 weeks is a long wait at this stage but I know at 10weeks our baby really will look like a baby and could be moving around! Exciting!