Fourth Scan

8 weeks

Loads of negative thoughts creeping in and I feel nervous and a bit panicky. I think this is because it was the 8 week scan when we found out it was all over last time.
Weighed myself and I haven't put a lot on which is good, have lost tone and look a bit bloated more than anything. We tried to find the baby's heartbeat with the fetal doppler I bought last time but it is probably still too early.

8w1d

Nausea has got slightly worse which you have to look at positively as a good sign even though I feel poo all the time. The only thing that works is being distracted such as at work, in the shower and swimming.
Chocolate milkshake is my latest thing to help, along with blackcurrent juice, dried strawberries, lollyices and of course chips!

8w3d
Hubby found the heartbeat with the doppler! He tried for ages and eventually we found it quite faint just behind my beat. You can tell the difference because it's so much faster. We were so happy!
By myself for the scan as usual but I felt ok knowing we had heard the heartbeat. The scan was great, the baby looks more like a baby and has a big head and little body and still has marshmellowy limbs. The amazing thing was that from 8weeks it starts to move and while I was being scanned it waved its marshmellow arm at me! I was in a different room today and there was no printer so no picture.

I let Mum tell my Aunty about the pregnancy because she is very ill and I hoped it would cheer her up plus Mum is fit to burst with excitement and needed to tell someone!

Third Scan

7weeks

My pregnant friend recommended bar extenders which have been a Godsend because my bras fit but are tight round my back and too uncomfortable with the bloating.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bra-Strap-Extenders-x6-2xBlack/dp/B002TI0I5S/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1347982015&sr=8-4

7w3d

Have been sleeping on high pillows which help with the food stuck high up in my stomach.
Had to goto the scan by myself again today. I have external scans now because I am thin enough and the baby is big enough to see. The baby measured 7w4d and had a strong heartbeat. It is at what I call the marshmellow stage because the limbs are just square looking like marshmellows.

Went for a swim afterwards and I was swimming along nearly crying with happiness and listening to a song that expresses how I feel - "Happy to see you, setting me off like sparks, you ignite all the colours inside my heart"

Second Scan

6weeks
Still having weird dreams, still got food stuck in my gut, still bloated, still got big boobs, still got nausea, and I'm grinding my teeth because of it, still got wind, still pregnant!

6w1d
Started back at swimming, I am determined to stay fit and healthy plus it will help my digestion.
Cannot go near the fridge, luckily I have such a good Hubby who cooks for me!

6w2d
I have to get up and have a big drink and my breakfast quite soon because of the nausea and hunger pangs!
Went for a swim again which is a good job as I ate a load of chocolate today - far more than I would ever eat in one sitting!

6w3d
Went for a swim again which hopefully will offset the portion of chips I had for lunch!
I had to goto the scan by myself as Hubby was working. I was fine about it, the worst part is the beginning of the scan when the Prof takes a few seconds to find the baby. He said more or less straight away "what a difference a week makes" and showed me the screen. I could see the yolk sac, fetal pole and the heartbeat clearly! Baby measured 6w2d.

Telling the Parents

5weeks3days

Got really excited as Mum arrived by train and I told her she would have to come with us to the clinic because I was going to ask for more Femara.  Really we were going to have our first scan!

The Professor scanned me and said very quickly "you're definitely pregnant and it is in the perfect place". On the screen we saw the sac, yolk sac and fetal pole:

The Prof looked at my ovaries and said that I have ovulated from my left ovary which was a big surprise because of my blocked left tube!

In the waiting room I gave Mum the scan picture and said "Look at that!" and she asked what it was and I said a baby! She was really shocked and started crying and asked if I had known!

5w4d

We all went to visit Hubbys parents. We had to wait all day to tell them because Hubby's Sister was there and also Hubby's Niece and Nephew were staying and we needed to wait until they went to bed. During the day everyone was having a drink and so I pretended to have a glass of wine but Hubby and Mum drank it when no one was looking.

At the dinner table when we were finally all sat down, Hubby asked me to stand up and said to his parents "How many people do you see standing there?" (He got this idea from Only Fools and Horses). His parents didn't understand what he was going on about so he told them I was pregnant so there is two! They were very happy for us!

5w5d

Hubby told his Grandad over the phone because he doesn't live near. We know he won't tell any one else. He is very happy for us and asks about us every day!

So the plan is to tell everyone else at my 40th Birthday meal September 22nd when I will be nearly 10 weeks!

The first pregnancy week

14DPO

I was really hot again last night and had to go to the loo a few time in the night. In the end I got up about 5.30am as I was wide awake and hungry!

We went on holiday and  I was impressed that during our 4 hour drive I managed to hold on for the loo until we arrived! However, I did then proceed to have the longest wee in the world! 

Boobs feel even bigger and hard today!

Got a bit stressed as I already have 4 mozzie bites driving me mad!

15DPO

Today after dinner the 'food sitting high in my stomach making me feel majorly uncomfortable' started and would last into my 10th week.

16DPO

Really bloated after food and it's repeating on me! Also have wind - embarrassing!

17DPO

Bought a pregnancy test whilst on holiday and then started worrying myself thinking I was perfectly happy and feeling very pregnant so why do a test? What if the test is blank or lighter than the last?

Anyway the test was very positive!

18DPO / 4weeks4days

Still having little panic moments when I goto the loo in case the dreading spotting starts. But I am relaxing more each day and telling myself not to be silly!

19DPO / 4w5d

Tiny bit of nausea after breakfast again!

Hubby and I had a good talk about all our fears and all the different stages we hope to reach, and also how we're going to tell our parents. For once we haven't told anyone yet!

20DPO / 4w6d

Been dreaming loads - not particularly good dreams. I'm hot at night and sweaty!

I've had a few twinges today that I've tried not to worry about. Now instead of repeating the baby names over and over, I sing this:

I love been looking at my pregnancy test all the time, seeing the two dark lines!

5 weeks

Did a digital test again today and got what I was hoping for:

Femara & TTC Naturally Round 2 = BFP!

At 9.30pm on 12th August at 12DPO I peed on  a Superdrug test and passed it to my Hubby. I proceeded to get ready for bed and left him to read the result.

Hubby: I took the test into the 'nursery' and watched hopefully as the pink pigment moved along the test. After only 30 seconds a very faint pink line was visible and it started to get darker and darker. I was filming the test with my video camera and I wanted to film Wifey's reaction but she was brushing her teeth, so I waited patiently staring at the line in disbelief. After about 2 minutes I gave up waiting and walked back  into the bathroom showing Wifey the test while filming her.

Meanwhile, because Hubby was taking so long to tell me the result my brain was doing overtime thinking either it hasn't worked or he would have been back sooner, or he's just timing it and will be back when the 3 minutes is up. I could see his shadow and even the sticks shadow when I looked into the hallway. From the shadow I thought he was holding the test up to the light to try and see a line. So when he came into the bathroom I just put my toothbrush down and tried to figure out the test he was showing me - I couldn't believe it, we'd done it!

All day I had been saying our baby names over and over in my head because it keeps me positive!

So did I have an inkling that this month could be the positive cycle? Well from 5 or 6DPO I had slight 'dodgy stomach' pains and I thought it was from drinking diet coke. Also my boobs were very sore, more so than I can remember in a cycle for a while. I had one episode of food repeating on me which Hubby thought was a sure sign as I had that last time. Just before I found out I felt a bit nauseous and very tired. Also I hadn't been snappy, a normal PMT sign. The final thing was I was sort of hopeful after getting a faint line last cycle - it gave me a feeling that it was possible!

13DPO I felt my breathing was slightly more heavier and I felt slightly dizzy. I peed on a digital test and got Pregnant 2-3 weeks!

We were going on holiday the next day so we went to the doctors and I got more high dose folic acid and steroids and informed the midwife. I rang to book a scan with the Professor but they said that unfortunately she was off when I was supposed to have my 6week scan so I would have to wait until 7 weeks. I decided I couldn't wait that long so I emailed the prof myself and she said that her colleague would scan me when I was back off holiday.

So apart from feeling fat because of massive sore boobs and bloating, I wasn't panicking too much and just felt calm and extremely happy. 

Initial due date based on LMP (last menstrual period) 24th April 2013.

Femara & Progesterone & TTC Naturally Round 1 = BFN!

The title says it all - I took the Femara CD2-6, I monitored OV with the CBFM and OPKs, we DTD on all my fertile days, and I started progesterone 7DPO, but still no positive test!

In fact this cycle has knocked me for six because I tested early  (a pregnant friend gave me some HTPs that she no longer needs) and on 12DPO I got the faintest line that gave us a glimmer of hope. I didn't feel pregnant and my usual spotting started but still surely you can't get a line if no HCG is present? So the next day I used two different tests and the line was no darker, in fact there was no line at all!!! Just cruel!

Here is the line at 12DPO (unless you are a TTCer you probably won't be able to see it and so I've marked it's whereabouts with red arrows but also it is difficult to see on a computer screen):

So I probably shouldn't write this update on CD1 when my emotions are running high thanks to AF but I figured that I should get some stuff off my chest and let people read how I really feel sometimes.

So I'm nearly 40 and still not a Mum or even pregnant - I don't want to hear "still plenty of time left". I don't feel old but fertility-wise I'm told I am old. Hubby is 5 years younger than me and has perfect swimmers, and men can father babies up to quite a ripe old age - am I making him feel old and that time is running out for him too?
Lots of people around me are pregnant or have recently had babies and although I am happy for them and I love babies I'm JEALOUS! There, I've admitted it - I can't help it!
I could could scream with frustration because there is nothing more I can do to help our situation or to speed up the process.

Most of all I feel that there is no one that fully understands what I am going through. I have a great support network and I know that I am loved but there is no one in the same boat as me. I'm not close to anyone in real life or online who is in a very similar situation who I can talk to. Someone who has tried for as long as we have, who has suffered losses, who has had operations and lots of treatments, and who is my age and so understands the added pressure and very real fact that it may never happen.

Don't get me wrong I'm very far from giving up but I could really do with a ray of hope!