Waiting to try again

Today I rang the obstetrician, midwife and scan department to cancel all my appointments. I've been a bit weepy so having to explain why I'm cancelling wasn't great. I was fine until I washed my new bedding on the wrong cycle and it all ran. Then Hubby's work rang and they have had to shift his days around because he's had time off and now we have to cancel our trip to the Christmas Market and lose 1000s of airmiles we used to pay for the hotel! Apparently my capacity bucket is full and at the moment any little thing added to it can make it overflow. It's also making me a bit clingy - poor Hubby! Already the tears are threatening to spill because he'll be away one night this week!

So maybe going back to work tomorrow isn't a good idea. I think I'll be ok as long as no one is nice to me - isn't it always the "are you alright?" question which sets you off when you're not alright! A few mischievous students in the Library should keep me annoyed and in control.

So back to work, get on with life. I've got to do a pregnancy test in 2 weeks and ring the hospital and let them know the result - I'm not sure why, maybe for their records? Once the hormone is out of my system we can start TTC again, well we should really wait to see what the results are in case there is a reason why we shouldn't or if I need more tests or medication. We have emailed the FS to see if he has any advice and also to see if the Recurrent Miscarriage Clinic can do anything else for us. We have also bought a Clearblue Fertility Monitor to try and work out my fertile times over the next three months.

So I'm waiting for the bleeding to stop, I'm weaning off the steroids and finishing my antibiotics for the UTI. I'm then going to get checked out to make sure that the UTI has gone. Then I'm going to do lots of swimming and lose the few pounds I've put on! Soon I'll hopefully be feeling normal again - well on the surface!

Three Angels

I went to the doctors and it was confirmed that I had a UTI and I was given antibiotics. This tipped me over the impatient edge I was on, so we booked in for another private scan for Thursday 3:30pm when I would be 8 weeks. I went along with a full bladder but as she tried to scan my abdomen the picture was unclear like last time. I asked her if she could see a heartbeat but she said she was struggling to see one, so I went and emptied my bladder so she could do the internal scan.

We could see straight away that there was no heartbeat. She zoomed in but it was no use. She took a measurement and the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks 1 day - three days after we saw a health baby with a heartbeat.

She rang the local hospital and spoke to a nurse there who deals with this type of thing. We were given a report and I asked for the measurement picture she had taken. We paid and left - yes really, it cost us £60 to be told our baby had died!

We went along to the hospital and they asked us what we would like to do (in other words you can wait until you miscarry naturally, they can give you tablets to start the miscarriage or you can have the 'Products of Conception' surgically removed). The last thing I wanted was an op but I knew that I could ask for the remains to be tested to see if we could get any answers as to why this has happened again.

We went in at 9am on Friday 25th November 2011 and I was back home by 8:30pm. The hospital staff were fantastic - so caring and thoughtful.

Physically I was really bad the next day with terrible cramps but now it's just like a bad period and I'm tired. Mentally I don't think it has hit me properly yet. I had a few tears at the scan and on the way to the hospital and I find it hard to control my emotions when people ask how I am but I feel reasonably normal. Saying that I did start crying today because I broke a fridge magnet Hubby had bought me!

Hubby was meant to be going away with work that evening so he rang in sick and he has been a tower of strength and support to me. We will get through this together.

Nausea

On Saturday when I was 7 weeks 2 days nausea really hit. Nothing I eat helps apart from polo mints and sprite. The worst bit can be in the mornings as I wake - I feel terrible! It also makes me really tired and I just want to hibernate. It nearly brought me to tears last night when Hubby, Mum and I went to the pub and I felt so sick while eating gorgeous macaroni cheese that I had been craving - luckily I told myself to get a grip and be positive!

Example of my normal daily menu:
Cup of tea
Smoothie
Shreddies and hot milk

Peanut butter sandwiches on wholemeal bread
Probiotoc yoghurt
Water

Vegtable Quiche
New potatoes
Sprouts
Broccoli
Carrots
Cabbage
Lollyice

Nausea Menu Example:
Cup of tea

Smoothie
Shreddies and hot milk

Chips

Curly Wurly

Orange Juice

Cheese Bagel

Sprite

Galaxy chocolate

Strawberry liquorice laces

Another problem is my digestive system is really sluggish. I read that the pregnancy hormones progesterone and estrogen slow down the system so that food stays inside for longer than usual so that more nutrients can be salvaged. The result is constipation! It's not really bad at the moment but has lead to bloating and a hemorroid! 


So my plan of action is:

• Start swimming again even if I am tired
• Drink more water not Sprite
• Eat more nuts and yoghurts
• Keep applying the pile cream!

Even with feeling bad I'm still so happy, after all this is what I've always wanted and it's all for a good cause. Plus at least I feel really pregnant!

Second Scan (6weeks 6days)

Hubby and I decided to pay for a private scan as 7 weeks is a big mile stone for us to pass and we just wanted to be 100% sure all is as it should be.

The sonographer was very nice and tried to scan me externally but my womb was tilted and we couldn't get a good enough picture - I almost had a panic attack because at first we could see nothing, then the sac came into focus, then something in the sac and then the sonographer said "there's the baby and I can see it's heartbeat," PHEW!

So with an empty bladder and an internal scan we got to see so much more. It was great to see the baby which is still nowhere near looking like a baby. It's chest area was really white on the screen and the heart was beating away really fast! The next bit was AMAZING! The sonographer turned the sound on and we could hear the heatbeat! This made everything so much more real and was a very emotional moment for Hubby and me. All we can think about is that a baby, currently the size of a blueberry, with a heartbeat is growing inside me. We couldn't speak and just listened. I really can't put into words how we felt but it was the best feeling in the World so far in our lives!

I got home and there was a letter for an NHS scan in 3weeks when I'll be 10weeks - 3 weeks is a long wait at this stage but I know at 10weeks our baby really will look like a baby and could be moving around! Exciting!

Symptoms

• I've had loads of lower backache but it has eased up a bit this week.
• Apparently the steroids stop the sickness but this week I've had a little nausea and I've needed to drink more water or eat something to stop my mouth watering and not in a good way!
• Boobs are bigger - they fit into my bras but are fuller, harder and slightly sore.
• Hormones - I tear up all the time. I'm very emotional but in a very happy way!
• Night sweats - I can get quite hot at night and sweat loads - yuk!
• Twinges - now and then I have twinges in the lower abdomen which is quite comforting as it is probably my uterus growing to make way for my growing baby
• Lack of appetite - if I didn't have hunger pangs or very slight nausea I could probably go all day without food. I enjoy my evening meal but force myself to eat throughout the day.
• Breathlessness/heart palpitations - it doesn't take a lot to make my heart beat faster and can make me slightly breathless.
• Spots - just a few but big on my chin, neck and back! It's like being a teenager again!

• Tiredness - the steroids keep me a bit hyper but when tiredness hits, it really does and I can feel almost ill.

The symptoms are all only minor and sometimes I feel completely normal or even forget but overall I'm doing great and loving being pregnant!

First Scan (5weeks4days)

Our scan was booked for 2.45pm today and as the time drew nearer it became harder to remain calm. This was not helped by the fact that the hospital was so busy that we couldn't even drive into it for ages, let alone get to the car park and park! We were 15mins late and I was totally stressing and out of breath but Hubby let me swear a lot before we got in there to let off steam and we laughed!

We had to wait about 30mins and in the meantime we were watching the nurses and we were hoping not to get a particular one as she spoke to everyone quite patronizingly and bossy. But guess what - we got her!
She actually called me over with a hand gesture that was quite abrupt - me and Hubby just laughed.


The nurse asked when my last period was and pointed out that I'm not quite 6 weeks and so we shouldn't expect to see a lot and I agreed. She said she'd look around first but after a couple of seconds the scanner stopped and Hubby said later that he could see the sac straight away.


The nurse said she could see the sac and the yolk sac, and at this point I practically screamed "can I have a picture" - I was panicking as she was so fast! As I pleaded I missed a bit of what she had said but Hubby heard her say "there's the fetal pole". We were both amazed by her next words "and there is a flicker of a heartbeat" She turned the screen and with her thumbnail showed me the exact point and I could just about see it, a pixel turning black and white on the screen.
As Hubby and I tried not to cry, the nurse had a quick look at my ovaries and then it was over. Hubby reckons she scanned me for less than 2 minutes! No measurement or a proper look BUT I did get my photo!
 

I also got a prescription for 2 weeks of steroids and a note for my GP to prescribe the rest and a letter handing me over to my GP.

I have written a letter to my new GP enclosing those documents and telling her how well the scan went but also that to wait until 12weeks for a scan would be too stressful for me so can she get me another one soon please - worth a try!


Hubby and I are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Happy!

Happiness

Note to self: Do not watch True Movies when hormonal = tears (although they were happy ones)!

I've had quite a bit of backache and I just couldn't stop myself doing another Clearblue digital test. When I tested on Tuesday morning it said 'pregnant 1-2' which was right. So I bought a test to do Monday morning before the scan and I hoped to see 'pregnant 2-3'. But I just couldn't help myself and this morning I POAS and was soooooooo happy to see 'pregnant 3+'
This is great news because according to Clearblue my HCG levels should have reached at least 2000:

HCG 25-200 = 1-2 weeks
HCG 200-2000 = 2-3 weeks
and HCG over 2000 = 3+

Yipee!!!!!!




(We have heard back from the FS and the Prof recommends that I take 20mg prednisolone steroid up to 10weeks and then 10mg for a week, and then 5mg for a week and then will be weaned off it for the rest of the pregnancy.)

Affirmations and Gratitude

Since I read 'The Secret' I have been writing a list of what I'm grateful for nearly every evening and I believe it works in helping me to feel more positive and happy. It also makes me more aware of all the good things in my life no matter how small, and it has turned me into a 'glass is half full' person.


The other thing that I have read about but not so much practised (until the holiday), is affirmations. These are positive sayings that you repeat over and over anytime; for example an affirmation for abundance could be 'The more grateful I am, the more reasons I find to be grateful' or an affirmation for self esteem could be 'When I believe in myself, so do others'. So on holiday when I thought that perhaps the symptoms could be something other than PMT or holiday excess, I started my own type of affirmation. Whenever I felt negative I started muttering to myself - saying three baby names over and over, names that we would possibly call our child. It really helped and made me smile.
Hubby only caught me talking to myself once but as Monday (scan day) draws nearer I'm sure he won't mind my ramblings and will possibly even join in!

Dr's, Prof's, FS's and Clinics

So I am on day 3 of 20mg prednisolone (steroid). I was given it to take from the day of transfer for my last IVF (but we never got that far!). It is suppose to help stop my immune system from attacking the baby in these early stages.

We emailed our Fertility Specialist to see if he thought that taking the steroid was the right thing to do still, and he has forwarded our email to the Professor who recommended it in the first place and we are waiting to hear from her. The FS also recommended an early scan which I have booked for Monday which is probably too early (I'll be 5 weeks 4 days) but Hubby is off and he HAS to be with me! We're having it done at the Fertility Clinic and will probably have to pay £120 but at least I can get some answers from the nurses I know there and pass on a message to the FS if need be.

I went to the GP yesterday - unfortunately a new one as we have moved out of the catchment area for my usual one which I am gutted about as they would have done blood tests for me and might have gotten me a scan for free. Anyway, the doctor I saw was very nice but did not understand why I was taking the steroid and such a high dose and was not prepared to prescribe any more for me! What she did say though was to have the scan on Monday and see if the clinic/FS is going to continue with my care, find out if I should be taking the steroid and if they'll prescribe more, find out if I will be going to that hospital for maternity or if I should go to the nearer one that she would normally send me to, then I am give her a ring and she will write to whichever consultant who will be looking after me rather than just handing me over to the midwife as I will need closer care.

So it's all happening! Roll on 2:45 Monday!

How did it happen?

Since our last IVF cycle we moved into our new house and have been really busy trying to sort things out and get straight.  We hadn't given up on TTC but we weren't really thinking about it, so I didn't even know what cycle day I was on for most of the month and I had no idea when I ovulated or if we had even done the deed at the right time! Before we go off on holiday I packed sanitary towels 'just in case' and for some reason I decided to throw in a cheap pregnancy test.


So we're having a great holiday but as it goes on I had no sign of the witch and had some symptoms that could have been PMT or even just because I was on hols and eating and drinking too much and staying up late etc.


I decided not to mention anything to Hubby until the last morning. I didn't tell him and went into the loo and did the test and the 2nd line came up within 10 seconds! But then I read the test instructions and it said if the line wasn't as dark or darker than the control line then it is negative and mine wasn't quite as dark. Luckily I have used these before and only got a faint line with the IVF HCG trigger in me, so to have such a good line was fab.


I went back into the bedroom and said to Hubby "we're taking an extra souvenir home with us!"  and showed him the test - we were both crying with happiness and then proceeded to ring our families from abroad.

I did an expensive test when we got home from hols at 2am and the test line was darker than the control and the next morning I did a digital test and it said pregnant 1-2 weeks. I did a supermarket test today and that had a good line on it too!

Test 1

Tests 2 & 3

Test 4

The Positive Cycle

Our Halloween holiday was the best! We went as a duo and came home as a threesome!

I am PREGNANT - naturally!